EXAMPLES OF SATIRICAL APHORISMS
My friend, beware of people! There are many of them who are just like you.
At any given moment, we know what we want. We just don’t know when that moment is.
Is a new war possible? I don’t know. All the previous ones were impossible.
In the upcoming period, we are expecting a lot from the probability theory. So far it failed us every time.
Don’t leave me, people, I am a charismatic person!
I realized that time was money. I never have time to eat.
Serbs respect their enemy. But above all, they respect their leader.
I am afraid of that man. He worked again today.
In a fight with the police, a few demonstrators got minor injuries. The others got what they were looking for.
Stop! We will shoot! – the policemen warned the demonstrators. The demonstrators stopped.
The police fired warning shots in the air. It’s not their fault that some demonstrators inhaled it.
The police fired in the air. Several flying demonstrators died.
Protesters were brutally attacking, with their backs, the sticks of surprised policemen.
The Minister was sacked because the police fired at the demonstrators… during the president’s afternoon nap.
The policeman who beat up the demonstrator will be sacked, because an investigation revealed that he had never done such a thing before.
Some policemen don’t want to beat up people. They would rather shoot.
We are pleased that you will once again become our traditional friends.
The truth will have no place to hide. Because it is not welcome anywhere.
The war criminal has double-parked. Such a thing cannot go unpunished in this country.
Nobody knows who fired first. What’s sure is that they didn’t hesitate to shoot back.
The enemy surprised us again. We expected that he would attack first!
After all the political confrontation it is time to return to normal life. War.
We are very worried about the young. They want to take our jobs.
A nation that has such a wonderful youth should not worry about the future… Of Canada and Australia.
Do you have freedom of speech? -Yes, I’d rather not talk about it over the phone.
Behind every successful man stands a woman who will know how to spend all the money.
Behind every successful man stands a woman who is working behind his back.
Behind every successful man lies a woman.
Being me, a successful man, stands a woman. She wouldn’t sit down until I say so.
I took down the Leader’s portrait. Now I am watching bare walls.
Fake patriotism is bothering me. I love my country exactly because I don’t know why.
Learning from our mistakes, we learned to make mistakes.
We learned from our mistakes, and perfected ourselves from our catastrophes.
Don’t worry if you can’t live from the results of your work. Someone else can.
Intellectuals got bullets in the head. That’s how the brain drain started.
We bought more voters. At factory prices.
My wife and I are organized criminals. She steals bread in one shop, I steal milk in an other.
We are the strongest when things are hard. But for us, everything comes easy.
We are justifying all our failures with our mentality. That’s what our mentality is like.
Today we gloriously uncovered the renovated cornerstone.
We want to build a civic society. We increased the number of undercover cops.
A dictator wants the same thing as the people: to decide everything by himself.
If everybody else agrees, I will also vote for change!
Only those who believed the rumors that there was not enough food died of hunger.
Poverty could be eliminated if a tax on it were introduced.
If someone had told me before that I would live like a dog, I would have bitten him!
The book is man’s best friend, said the dog, a bit tired of it all.
Our house was protected by the state. Until it collapsed.
My whole life comes down to this: home-work, home-work… And to make things worse — I have no home, and I have no work.
All our neighbors live on the edge of an abyss.
When a policeman can’t remember something, he hits the first passer-by in the head.
Six characters – in uniform – looking for a writer.
As soon as the demonstrators started thinking about using stones, the police replied by using sticks.
Water canons – the drink of my youth!
The treatment of intellectuals has changed. They don’t beat them on the head anymore.
A person whose appearance has considerably changed after the interrogation must file for a new ID card.
When I returned from the interrogation, my mother recognized me right away. Her heart was telling her that was me.
Once upon a time there was a great man… Twice upon a time, he was gone.
I am the only person who can help you… because I know a man who knows some people.
I don’t agree with you, but since I am a tolerant person, I will allow you the opportunity to agree with me.
One should forgive his enemies, then destroy them as friends.
When something is free, we want it at any cost.
When winter came, the cricket played the anthem.
When winter came, the cricket ate the ant.
Reincarnation would allow for the other side to be heard.
Finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Not one, but two…
You will have full freedom of speech. That will somewhat restrict your freedom of movement.
I have a choice: I will either be a marionette, or my life will hang by a thread.
The enemy never sleeps. We are shelling him day and night.
The conflict could not have been avoided. You were fighting for peace, we were fighting against war.
We wanted the war to finish as soon as possible. That’s why we started it first.
We won’t hold our fire until the war is over.
The longer the war, the closer we are to peace.
We will not announce the names of killed soldiers. They were all modest guys.
We have got our war assignments. We are to be the killed civilians.
The opposition had good results at the elections. No one got killed.
With the arrival of international observers, the number of our war crimes increased. We always liked to show off in front of strangers.
In the West, neighbors don’t kill each other. They are terribly alienated.
The enemy bombarded the residence of our president, but when we needed him the most, the president was not at home.
Which one’s worse, the old regime or the new one? – Yes.
How can we communicate when we are right, and you are in your swimming pools?
I am afraid that we will have a stormy past even in the future.
The distance between here and a brighter future can only be measured in light years.
A brighter future smiled on us, because we made it laugh.
Our future is traditionally bright.
Everybody is on our side. Except us.
I bought a university diploma, although I could have spent that money on something smarter.
In socialism two and two make four. In capitalism too. But what a difference!
I would never have said that he is a mafia guy. Precisely because I know that he is.
I don’t care about how your earned your first million. That’s the last thing in my life I would have cared about.
There are black sheep in every fold. But those are only initial results.
Our horses are more dangerous than Trojan ones. They are full of themselves.
We must not allow communism to return. It never went away, either.
Workers are paid miserably. Luckily, this doesn’t happen very often.
The citizens greeted the liberators on the streets. All the houses were destroyed.
If people knew which one of the two candidates is worse, they would choose the better one.
It is true that we didn’t die, but it’s a lie that we’re still alive.
Of the two eyes in our head, one would always want to be on top.
We favor the development of small and medium enterprises. We turned big ones into medium, and medium ones into small.
It’s a dog’s life, but the bones are excellent.
The revolution eats up his children. What it doesn’t eat, quickly gets spoiled.
Don’t despair if your wife cheated on you with your best friend. He is not your best friend.
There are also honest people, but that’s their problem.
The Leader is casting the biggest shadow when he is at his peak.
We care about the safety of our soldiers. We gave gas masks and condoms to each of them.
Without regular power cuts, there won’t be enough electricity.
For politicians to get on the scene of the crime, they only need to make one step in any direction.
The government is winning the battle against poverty. Our ministers keep getting richer.
We learned from our mistakes, and perfected ourselves from our catastrophes.
“We’ll rob, rape and kill everyone. Does anyone have a better political program?”
You shouldn’t be thinking only about your past. Look at what we’re doing to you today!
We are ready to die for what we believe in, but thank God, we don’t believe in anything anymore.
I went on a tourist trip abroad, but I couldn’t find a job there either.
You are everything that we are not, but we are more original.
On the frontline, I behaved very humanely. I took care of a television set which lost everybody in this world.
We didn’t have any reason to slaughter each other. That motivated us even further.
As soon as we expelled them, we created conditions for their return.
It is ridiculous to accuse us of having planned a genocide. We never plan anything in advance.
We hope that we will not go on trial for all the atrocities that we committed. It is human to have hope.
We never take responsibility for our acts. We are not a terrorist organization.
I read an gripping postmodern novel. All the time I feared that something would happen.
I cheated on my wife only once in my life. I regret this very much.
I found a woman that I just can’t live without. Wherever I run away, she always finds me…
Our chameleons are changing colors according to the biggest one.
The Minister is taking weekends off. That is his contribution in the fight against organized crime…
As soon as the Minister found out he was receiving a triple salary, he immediately drew up a budget to start an investigation.
We introduced democracy painlessly. We didn’t even feel it.
We have a high degree of democracy. On both Richter’s and Mercaly’s scale.
Democracy is when you can say what you don’t even dare to think about.
A young democracy embraced by old scums – what a perversion!
They are applying the “sticks and carrots” policy. First they beat us with sticks, then with carrots.
Every time I see you, you look better and better. How do you manage not to change?
The famous businessman is rich and powerful, but I am alive.
Hippocrates’s oath implies that a doctor must help any patient regardless of the type of whiskey they bring as a gift.
Bring a gift to your doctor and don’t forget – YOUR HEALTH IS IN YOUR HANDS.
A patient who doesn’t know that a doctor needs to be bribed is a medical phenomenon.
I read aphorisms backwards. I want to know right away what will happen at the end.
This document certifies that the abovementioned is a politician and that he can’t be used for any other purpose.
Dear liver, cheers!
Don’t waste your life away like that. Like this.
We won’t listen to the voice of reason, because it is yelling at us.
After the divorce, I returned to my wife. Even our divorce was a failure!
An honest man sleeps solemnly, but wakes up in a bad mood.
Those were happy days, when I waited, deeply unhappy, for happiness to come.
We are sitting, quietly, staring at a single spot, but even that we are not so sure about…
A friend is most recognizable in times of trouble. He is the most who celebrates the most.
When a man has friends, he doesn’t even need enemies.
Some animals have human characteristics. The other ones, I do like.
The best government is always the one that has yet to come, provided that it never comes.
The politicians have promised: We will live better! And they do live better.
Lend me, please, a thousand euros. I will owe you forever.
Once, I went so far into the future that I arrived at the beginning of the past.
Share your problems with your friends. They will feel much better…
I met my teacher after 30 years. I recognized him by his coat.
I don’t think natural disasters will destroy our civilization. I believe in science…
Look at that tall, strong and beautiful man. That’s what I look like!
The problem with foreigners is that they don’t understand what’s going on in this country, and we’re not here to solve their problems.
We are in the same shit, but we arrived first!
What do you want now? You’ve already used your civic rights once!
Be what you are, just don’t let them catch you!
You need a lot of imagination to understand our reality.
He who goes ahead of his time is closer to his grave.
The working class is the skeleton of our system.
We made a lot of mistakes. Please arrest those who voted for us.
Everything comes to an end, and so does a life sentence.
The truth will emerge, sooner or later. Like every drowned corpse.
After the 7th glass, I drank the 6th one. After the 6th, I drank the 5th. And so on, until I sobered up.
Eureka! I don’t remember anything anymore!
______________________________________ Aphorisms from various authors of the Belgrade Aphoristic Circle, 1967-2009. Precise annotations pending.